A rant (no raves though)

I work in corporate America. A big company, complete with vice-presidents of very important things, runs my life. They dictate what time I get up, when I take my lunch (even where I go for lunch if you consider the fact that the places I can go and the things I can do are limited to places I can get to and back from in the allotted hour I get) and when I go home. I work in a cubicle, (ugh) which is not something ever thought I wanted to do or would end up doing, surrounded by the odds and ends I have collected from my past jobs. I am in a fishbowl, along with the other 60 or so people I work with. A whole bunch of guppies in a fishbowl. Literally, since the office is windows all across the front and one of the sides.

Now, there are some advantages to corporate America and doing a job that is the same as the other 60 people in the room. Chances are that, if you are sick, the job will still get done. I get a pretty hefty discount on my cell phone bill and I have pretty damn good health insurance (except for the stupid new vision, but that is another story). I get to work with a lot of different types of people and there is usually someone to pick up the slack if something happens and you have to leave.

Of course, with advantages, there are the disadvantages. (DISCLAIMER: I have not heard this with my own ears, but have heard it from a few different people in the office. That fact alone -- even if the following is gossip -- makes this disheartening. What kind of place do I work at if people will spread untrue and demoralizing things like this?) Like the fact that the person that is in charge of Albuquerque Editorial thinks we are all expendable. Really. He has been overheard saying it. That the editors are replaceable. Now, I don't know about you, but I don't like being thought of as replaceable. Makes me nervous. Especially in light of the fact that a month ago, there were some pretty major layoffs that came as a shock to almost everyone in editorial. And that is scary. I am pretty sure my job is safe, but, truth be told, story counts are down (300% from last year was a number I heard thrown around this week) and that is scary as hell.

So, along with all of the other things I have going on in my life, I have realized that I am not happy at my job anymore. When I first started there, I loved it. I loved working with words all day long and I loved the corporate culture. Unfortunately, the way the company is run has changed and the way employees are treated has changed. Example: when I started, they encouraged us to "up-sell" clients to other products, but didn't really push it. In fact, when I interviewed and was told about "distribution counseling" I was told it was just that -- I was not expected to be a salesperson. Now? We have quotas we have to meet for attempting to up-sell clients. I am not a salesperson -- if I wanted to do that, I would work at the Gap. What I want to do is work with words. And people -- I really miss working with people. Yes, I work with people, but they are the same people I see every day. I miss seeing and talking to new and different people everyday. And I miss building relationships with my customers. I really miss that -- the human element that I have had at all my other jobs.

I am so frustrated that I can't seem to find what I want to do. And I am ashamed that one of the things I REALLY want to do is be an administrative assistant somewhere -- that was my favorite job I have had. After all this time and soul searching, I want to be a receptionist? I have a degree. I am incredibly smart. I write well and graduated college with honors. And all I want to do is answer phones and book travel? I am ashamed of that.

And the other thing? I want to bake. Cookies, cupcakes, birthday cakes, pastries, pies, tarts, bread, brownies, bars, you name it, I want to bake it and sell it. I want to spend my days up to my elbows in flour in my red apron. I want to greet customers with a smile and a sample of whatever goody I am serving that day. I want to come around a counter wiping my hands on a towel and greet them by name. I want to be "the place" to get your birthday cake. And I want to have people write me notes thanking me for making their day special. When people say "Oh, let's go out for dessert," I want the place they are thinking of to be me.

Have you noticed that none of these things are remotely related to what I do now? How they have nothing to do with what I have a degree in? That is what this job has done for (to?) me. I am under so much stress and pressure at work that it has taken my love of writing from me. I am sure this is temporary, but still. Something that used to bring me so much joy now just feels like and extension of work. I would love to be able to edit on my own terms, but I do not like having the stress of an error rate and a pitch/sell quote I have to meet. And I would love to write for a magazine or something of that ilk that I could do from home. But I am just feeling so disenchanted with my work right now -- that makes it a little hard to get up in the morning, you know?

Maybe after the wedding and after the house closes, I can do something about this ... maybe I will get some clarity. All I know right now is that I just want to get moved and work on my license. I want the wedding and all the stress to be over and just get on with my life. But that is another blog ... probably one with a lot of capital letters and swear words ...