Ode to my previous post

So I have some regret for that last post. Instead of explaining to people why I have been distant and depressed lately, it turned into a rant against someone who is currently defenseless. That is the last thing I wanted to do. I wanted to explain why I am hurting so much right now, not put words in cyberspace that could somehow hurt someone else. Yes, I am hurt by the way I was treated. Yes, there are now scars that will not go away. Yes, I have been embittered toward someone I once loved. And yes, I have reached a point in my life where I can no longer deal with the baggage that comes with being this person's friend. But that does not, under any circumstances mean I wish to hurt him. He has done that himself.

I was talking to my wonderful, understanding and supportive husband tonight about the dinner we are having with him and his parents on Tuesday. I am nervous about it and I am not sure why. It is going to be hard to see him, yes, but I think the real reason is that I no longer have anything to say to him. The only words I have are ones that can hurt and I will not stoop to that level. I am a better person than that.

I know what I hope to hear; two words that I deserve but have never gotten: Thank You. Thank you for being there when no one else was. Thank you for picking up the pieces every time another chunk of my life fell apart. Thank you for not giving up on me and thank you for taking the shit I handed you over and over. Thank you for rescuing my belongings from the junkyard. Thank you for rescuing my cat from the shelter. And thank your husband for letting you help me when he had every right to put his foot down and say, "No, you have done enough. Your debt is paid." I just want to hear that the last few years of my life did not go un-noticed by the person I spent them helping. However, I doubt I will ever get that.

Sadly, the thought that this is the last time I am going to see him does not make me sad. Instead I feel relief. Relief knowing I will not have to worry that every time I hear about a drunk driver killing someone it is him and relief of not worrying that every drunk driving crash is him. Relief knowing that I will not be the person that walks into his apartment and finds him dead of alcohol poisoning and relief that I can finally close the book on that chapter of my life. I no longer feel love for this person, instead I feel sorry for him and the family that is going to try and put him back together. I feel relief that I am no longer that person. It is sad, but the part of my heart that used to love him has frozen over and will not be thawed.

I am still angry, but I think I am mostly angry with a person that does not exist anymore. Alcoholism steals people away and leaves strangers in their place. Sometimes they are really good replicas, but they are never the same person. The person I loved is gone just as much as if he had died. He no longer exists because alcohol has stolen who he was and replaced him with someone that looks and talks like him, but acts like a stranger. You would think, having had issues with alcohol, I would have recognized that. But we always like to see people in the best possible light. I looked past the problem and hoped to see a bright future -- I had telescopic rose colored glasses!

At any rate, that is what I have to say on that. I am going to remove my previous post and lock it away somewhere. I truly hope and pray that the person who used to be my friend is freed from the cage alcoholism has placed him in and can one day have as bright a future as he deserves.